Monday, 28 July 2014

Some Thoughts from the Beginning of my Journey.

I can't let go.
I want too, but it keeps coming back. "Letting it go" is not a matter of ability. The PTSD response to a traumatic event ensures our survival in the moment the event is occurring.
There are three responses,
 Fight, you want to kill someone or something even if they are not responsible for what happened.
Flight, you leave the situation, refuse to talk about or believe it happened.
Nothing, you freeze, become numb, feel nothing. This protects from insanity.

 Ever heard the expression "this can't be happening"or "I can't believe my eyes"....."there is nothing I can do to help".... "I'm going to loose my mind......" Click, just like a switch. My mind shut out what I had just witnessed in order to save me from the horror experienced during the tragic death of Eric so many years ago. Your concept of "letting go" means nothing to me. The initial event has hardwired my brain. Period. My sensitivity to tragedy is engrained in me. My brain has become programmed to respond to the extreme in this way...... this is PTSD

 To live life you must constantly let go in order to move forward. You cannot pass through one phase of your life to another without letting go of the past. This is a good thing as you renew yourself and let the old useless parts fall away.

 Every time you experience death a part of you must die with them. Life can no longer be the same as they are gone. How can it be any other way.
Well my reaction to death makes it almost impossible to let go because my mind closes in.
I am less feeling, I am distant, I disassociate things leaving me depressed because I can't be like you.

 I was a much different person years ago. I want some of that back.
Others must understand that I am not "Nuts". They must understand that I will need professional help, medication, cognitive therapy but mostly I need to be able to make time to look after my self. That may mean stopping work for a period of time to slow down and remember who I am and what I truly have and  junk what I don't need and reconnect with those that love me. Then I will return to work.

 I know what kind of person I want to be but suffering PTSD for years I've done very little to try and change things.
I do not like who I am and what I do.
I must change how I look at the world and hope the world changes how they see me.
I must make my vocational work satisfy me and not only the bank.

 I no longer trust my choices and am fearful to take a chance even when I feel positive about it.
Before PTSD I was fearless in my choices not reckless. I want to take chances again, make new friends.

 I guess most of all I would just like to feel happy again.
It has been so long.... will I recognize it when it happens?
Lets hope so.


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